I still don't understand what i am doing in this fucking world without u  being in my side..waiting for the perfect moment to join you..i guess..cutting down all unhealthy interactions..no one born left to hold me back..wiping away ..one day i will get my soul rest .

I'm still standing there ..staring your widen eyes..unable to let u go..scared damn to death..cz right now from any moment your soul wil leave your body..and your princess wil left abandoned with this untrustworthy world..seeing you vomiting that dark red blood..covering ur body..slowly..n unable to move..still I'm standing here.. wondering y it's not me hv to be left alone..y it have to b me live again,whn you r not there to hold me dad..

When it's you roaming in my thoughts,how can I say it is easy each moments..when it's you breaking me apart with memories how can I say I'm okey..when it's you making me fall in to insecurity n fly away like a star how can I say I am safe..when it's you abandon me where I don't have any to look for,how can I say I'm happy..missing you is not a word to say it's the reality I suffer..With out you my father there is no reason for any thing!there is no single day still passes with out u in my mind achai..

When I have to use my worst nightmare to pave a path out from your life,yes it shock me to the core..I was scared,but right now I know that was the wicked plan I vainly delayed while what ever it was surely your time to leave..some things whether you try hard to keep for urself also it will loose from your hands like sand in sea side..but people like us will try to cling on things just to fel happy again whether the same person is even not giving u attention any more too..well I know for me it was you always-the height of happiness..that's y I had left no option to keep you.. beautiful things ends or either by us or by almighty..!& you wonder once you were actually been happy in life with a forbidden fruit like that..!

Waves hitting on rocks and splashes as never ever been together..I never known what was me until I find the shore to hit and kill myself..just like my shattered life!

I was the lock and thou were the key I lost as time passed..well life been a mistery so far for my existance..I won't try to find thou..I'm just wishing to be forgotten..locked and lost...in an ocean of memories which no one cares..!

As days goes by I realize..I lack topics to share to people around me.. vocabulary stuck in throat,denying to get out of my mouth..having nothing to share or care..I know in shuting down myself from people and situations..but I know I'm fantastically okey with that..this world is not meant to be for mine..and life sucks!! 

You know what-still I talk endlessly to you..in silence..every thought of mine I am sharing with you..as I used to do ..I see you nodding,or hear you humming on each sentence.i hear you replying me -"leave it ..ask to go all these thoughts..we had faced much more than this from beginning"..whether you exist with me currently in my life or not..morning to mornings I talks to you in mind..thinking I am just under your wings as I used to be or like you are catching my thread while I fly like a kite..yes my imaginations can't hurt me ..cz when I live in tht i am the one who create it..I don't give it to your hands to break it..never ever any more..it's damn safe here -with you in my dreams than with you in reality..

I used to wonder what made me fail in relationships whether it's companion ship, friendship or other any relations around me..I know the answer now it's just my trust issues.i don't even trust myself...scared damn scared of being lonely made me actually lonely from birth..every relations I seen had an expiry date..if they don't end it I ends before they even try..being sick of myself made me sick of world..I know frm here I hve no place to go..I'm done.now only one ,who cn leave me is my self..counting my days..just I wonder y I cnt not be loved,cared by me also..but yea there is actually no wonder as far as I know I am a masterpiece who don't owe any body or myself an explanation..cz all tend to see only their acceptable truth,which may not be mine..so while they assume my life..I just walk away and hide in my own cave,digging my grave.

It breaks my heart,when I have to sign each documents..which significantly indicates you r not with me any more dad..I hate it..u understand don't you?? Putting me again and again in a mess..

They think I don't know the word called "Love"..when almost main part of my life all I done unconditionally love..still I does deep in my heart,and living with an unexpressed face.there was a time I wished what I given come back to me..but,love is a thing you can't force some one..all I got back was fake expressions..which my stupid heart was much convinced to believe real..you know what..after all that my love stay safe is cz I said "no" to fake people in my life..cz I know we don't stop loving people if they dies too..those who dies with out actual death  infront of us  ,also serve the label.when I knows love can kill me every day inch by inch..than cherish me..it was better for me to live as dead too..

It's scary living unaware of when you will lose your mind.. thousand diffrent sensations,crawling through your veins..n body seems paralyzed..twisting and struggling in utter unconfused way..no one in entire world you can turn to ask help or you can trust..then you have to just scroll like a football in the corner of that dark cell of your cage  and wait for your judgement day.

Some times people becomes too broken to be healed..in spite of all comforts world see they are enjoying.."i understand"- is just a word you utter to them-unless you don't feel what exactly they going through..people thinks depression is something which is their fault and they feels if u create u should get it over.well today i think one more person treated himself and free himself from that pain..may you rest in peace finally.

Killing softly..

Once I started hearing words from your mouth which never reached your heart..I saw your feelings unfocused,and felt your heart closed down more than ever..your eyes spoke a language I was not familiar to understand..I felt your touch so cold..and watched your face transformed to a stranger.thus I knew the one I used to know don't exist in my world any more..so even my love stay true for life time,I can't dream or want something which just a ghost of past...I knew you were really like a zombie,who may only kill me if I had tried to find you back..that's the time that given me the power to let go and I had really tried evey way possible to detach me from the invisible rope I were tied with u..thus now I don't miss you for real,even if the past was so wonderful,I know I was standing  dead end of road called "us".

If my seconds minutes,hrs don't have value infront of you,do you think I wil actually care about yours??you can always take your shit and eat it with ketchup.but always shit wil be shit!!& it wil get payed..tht crap is called karma!!

Men wil be men..but I guess so far,God made me a real woman,in the sense unforgiving and unforgettable to injustice,always I cud respond to the ones who used me ,in such a way tht they got confused,who been actually used by..they wil never know whn the game changed ..may this been my blessing,so tht I don't regret the path so far I choose..being my father's daughter.when you giv me a shit..I will give u a septitank full of shit for your meal.what to do it's a habit.

Fighting like the worst enemies and embrace Asif only the death can seperate us-well don't you think my love those days are ancient when remember..what wil happen ever if we met again..wil it b like the smell of sand after the first rain or,heart beats harder,when our eyes met each..will it be like the time stops all of a sudden holding our breath in a sudden curse,or wil it be still we feel fluttering butterflies inside the stomach raising heat of our souls..or just will it be like ashes left after collapsed moments,not useful yet to escape..or like seeing death of each in us..like zombies with out memories..what it would be like my love??if ever in a life time..our eyes meet again?

If I have to debt the words of my friend -"wings of my desires curtailed harshly and buried under a bottomless ghasm"-then it's so true for me now ,deep inside me I feel the same.

Atlast "if"s ended in her lyf,and thou too..for one glance of thine nw ,she never have to wait and count a thousands of "if"s and never again if"s  can make her life suffer more or make her feel abandoned

It's difficult to pour in words,so she embraced silence..thr was one time whn silence were magically turn in to words..this quest but ends in silence..with out highlighted..as it's was only hers..

Some times PPL interpret things according to their convenience,far from reality..fact is,thtz wht they wanted..PPL tries hard to achieve their dreams ,with out worrying consequences,if it mean life to them..&they choose to flee if they also want to ignore it..thing is ,never chase something thtz not worthy for to be thine..it's never your mistake whn PPL try to avoid you..they r fighting their own demons which they r scared.

The first burn..tht she put in her heart..caused by thy rejection..which led her to hell straight..for what thou cm to her,for why thou can't resist her once..ys she burned that..it's years ago,which seemed silly to thou..stil the pain remains..n the mark wil remain there for eternity.a thousand burns every day from tht moment,she gone through..still,she was a fool,mocked by thy existance until the very day..very moment..funny but..truth.sugar coated words failed from tht day if thou ever acknowledged..

Still you know the waves of my bloody heart which beats with thine,shouts me "like us,only we r there in this whole world"..funny don't you think???

You know what is the worse punishment one can get,when the person whom you love with ripping your own heart,choose you only as an option..when u were denied constantly from your each and every wish to be close to them,when you are confused each moment,whr you stand,whn your love can't tell you actually what you mean to them,when u send away each and every relations -friends,relatives of your life to protect the only relation which you think your love,when each your effort to be with them counted as nuisance,whn each your lies just to be with them leaves you as a joker..and you constantly reminded,u r the least prioritised item in your list..each and every day when you live with this insecurities,jst cz of your love towards that person.. merely cz of the addiction you created,where is the real hell??can you realize??the worst punishment comes in the name of love..cz you give the person the sword to kill you infinite time in same life by giving your heart!!!

When I say I let thou go..it's cz thy effort in reality to escape,I just granted,thy wish..going through the hell to convince me,it's my call,to hide the fact for my soul tht,it was thy need..but always I known

All the way I travelled my own..hiding the realities, suffocating present..towards thou..never it was...or ever u were there,it all started for you with a fire and ended also..I know I been a fool,so far..tried to hide again and again,trying to concentrate on smthing which was a dream..well regret don't hunt me down cz,cz for me it was true one..more than any thing..thtz whr we failed,cz it was always me,myself..all the way I fought to get me back..natural and unnatural ways,cz I known deep in my heart,you will abandon me whn u have choices,&am happy tht it's me again take the final call,n my lord been with me, understanding my quest..I collapse a world for to reach thr ..still finally it's worth the effort..I wish for a moment it was true for thou..but all it was just fire..never ever was love,cz thou never know d feeling called love..

"Love wil never make you fail,wil never make you fel alone or let you take drastic measures,it will always wrap you in those wings of care and hold you tight,so that you never ever had to face any abandonment"

Just one thing,on this journey I got hit by reality that,love is a game for people..tht word "love" is only word..no one in d world mean it..whn I'm having,a dream,yes I know I felt it truly..but in reality thou were a failure who took away my trust in the word..thou never were my shadow unless in my dreams..stil..thou took my heart away,it's having a 10000000s of holes,but with all tht,stil it wil love thou for eternity..it won't ever lament thou to return..cz it is safe with out thou ..

After 36 and half years,I'm whr I should be,with my twin roses, trespassing and ignoring all the jealousy,anger, abandonment,complaints..n in a place only love exists..streching my arms to hug u both..realising far away but yet ever close than any time..miss you and love u forever.

Some things in lyf how ever you try to explain PPL wil shower blindness..then better leave to their choice..cz those who with you need not to be explained,and if you have to explain that relationship is not worth.if they r blind you can guide,some PPL chose blindness,then how ever you try,you can't bring light in their life.

shadow side of mine!!

"End of a love story is not marriage..it's to love each other till death separate you"..

Wish thou make me feel butterflies flutter in my stomach when I remember thou until death embrace me too..cz I believe,thou stay hidden in my heart beats as always..with out any communication,any glance,any hurt,any expression of love thou just grow in me..whn I exist in silence too thou are with me .Even no need thou to understand tht..I told thou- to love thou I don't need even thy permission..i chose not to exist in thy life but thou will in mine..thou can choose blindness,as decided -this is good ..& this feels really right.true love never dies,one don't need to water it..it just exists..if one care or not.who says I don't know life,I know the love thou given,I given,and what else matters..I can't pressure cz thou cease to exist,silly..I chose to close my heart with thou..cherish thou..till my end..and want to buried with thou in me,finally I feel free in my love,shadow side of mine!

A Toss to My Princess!!

It's weird to feel this way..after my life been abandoned ,after six months,some where I find life in me,bcz of this  adorable soul grabbing me tight in hugs and kisses ,refuses to let me go or fall..being a mother is not a fate of my pathetic existance,but being treated like one hell experience it is..my cutie pie waiting me to open the door,making sure I have tea,her tiny hands workout all making me drink ,making my stomach is not empty..well I better die this moment feeling my love struggle to express more,when I know everything fades..well dad,did I been really worthy for this?how can she do this to me,did she realised how broken I am while I take this granted fucking breaths which is not craving for life.oh little sunshine of mine..no I won't deny thy love to me..u r in my world.. daughters really crack the seed to bring life isn't it??but yea stil I will stay behind the bars..just cz I can't ..call me stupid,I do love u with my life..I hope you realise baby one day..why I need one own daughter whn you r in my life..a small act of kindness really makes a difference isn't it dad..I know I fel it with my heart.. 💓

Time having answers for all quest of life..some good deeds done by a person helps you in beginnings will turn into the bad deed when time goes on..strangers become part of life and in moment of time again become strangers..some bad foot prints later became a good memories too..but it takes probably a life time to realize whether it was worth or not..& that's the proof of existance of the word called  "change"..&yes any thing changes..the magic of all this twists n turns of emotions of people going by makes life an epic in each person's life..

My twin flowers which always had my blood in their veins , my red - red roses through out my life..& one day one left me with the sweet memories and other I squeezed mercilessly to death with my own hands..I can't even turn back n see those dry petals..well they can't exist with out one another for me when I know my soul belong to both at once at one time..and now I'm vanished from both their world and they from mine..always I was the coin and they were my both sides..one wil lives the other exists..and so do I..hold close to my wings and dreams..now what..emptiness is all I have altogether I killed thus three including my own soul..all I can remember we were one heart beat once..they were called love of my life ..n now I'm torn and let me bleeding to death!they say I'm brutal..yes I am!